Every Way is Our Way

“Enlightenment is not a prize at the end of the race or search but finally being present in the world as it is.  As long as we are looking for something from the world, we never really see it as it is, as the pick pocket never sees the wizard, but only his pockets!  We reclaim the world and the moment as ours whenever we drop the desire to make things come out our way and simply let things happen, trusting that every way is our way.  We remind ourselves of what Govinda said, ‘The certainty that nothing can happen to us that does not in our innermost being belong to us is the foundation of fearlessness’” (p. 203).

This week, all I am going to write about is this small excerpt.  It says so much. 

First of all, it is important to realize that our work toward higher consciousness and higher level functioning is never done.  We are human!  There is no end of the road or “there” to get to.  We are in constant evolution. It would help us all to get super cozy with the concept of being in process.  I fully know and accept this and was kindly reminded of it today.  Yes, that’s also part of the human deal:  you get it, then you lose it, you get it, then you lose it.  The game is: how fast can you get your awareness back on track?  One merciful part of the process is that usually the more times you “get” something, the deeper you integrate it.

The issue of trying to get our way by controlling outcomes is what I want to talk about.  Let’s just put it out there right away:  when we are strategizing mentally, coercing, convincing, pressuring, nagging or getting angry to make things come out the way we want, that is called controlling.    Don’t worry, we need to be in action and control things to some extent.  Where we want to look is where we are over doing it.  When we are over doing it, it is likely that we are not accepting some part of reality and wasting our energy fighting against the flow or we are getting in our own way.  Most of the time, over controlling comes from fear.

Here are a couple of ways to address this:

1. Realize the importance of equanimity.  My general understanding is “I do my work and allow others to do theirs”.   We need to let things around us do their work.  Cooking a steak in pan?  Leave it alone and let it char for a while.  Baking cookies?  You don’t want to keep opening the oven every two minutes.  You let the oven do the work.  Realize what is beyond your control or not yours to do.  It is that way for a reason!

2.  You can ask yourself:  is there anything I am not willing to see and accept right now?  Usually what you are not seeing is quite simple, it fits into a 10 second truth.  It’s important to look for this because trying to over control comes from not wanting something to be true that actually is true.  There is a lot of pain and wasted energy in not being able to be with the world as it is and our circumstances as they are.  There is actually beauty and perfection, right now, all around you.  It’s a question of whether we are present to it or not. 
3. Consider the possibility that everything is EXACTLY as it should be in this very moment.  Even if it is difficult or painful.  Human beings have an intrinsic drive toward growth (growth doesn’t always happen when things are easy) and we are imperfect, so pain is inevitable.  When we are trying to control, we are often trying to avoid pain.  Resetting back to the consideration that everything is exactly as it is means you don’t have to control any outcomes.
4. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to whatever the feeling is in response to the reality that is in front of you that you are not liking.  Yes, it is OK to be sad or worried about your child being held back a grade in school.  And, it might be the very best thing for them.  Yes, it is OK to not want to have surgery AND it might be what your body needs to get better.  Just because it is for the best in the long run, doesn’t mean your feelings about it shouldn’t get their day in the sun. 
5. Being connected to yourself and present to the world is really the safest way to operate.  Why?  Because all the resources and wisdom you need are inside you and everything in the world around you is exactly as it needs to be for your life’s mission.  We get ourselves into trouble when we are disconnected and avoidant of the truth around us, when we try to control the truth of what is around us.  If you can be connected, the feelings you have about a situation will do their job of giving you the message of what needs to come next.  The idea is to learn how to let those feelings be and learn what they mean.  How can you be connected?  Start tuning in to your interior world.  Write, talk, notice the sensations occurring in your body in response to what is happening.  How do you be present to the world?  Slow down, be mindful, meditate, try to see things with new eyes.

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

Trusting Audacious Intuition

Letting go of control and creating space for things beyond what we currently imagine possible is a hard thing to do.  Why?  Because it means leaving behind what we know and what is safe, even if it makes us miserable.  And it means leaving behind what is familiar for something you can’t even clearly see yet.  It comes up over and over again for my clients:  Do I choose to go on as I am now, for logical reasons like money or time? Or take a risk by leaving my job, my relationship, living with my family or [fill in the blank]?  Let me just include that I also see this when people are confronted with having to give up a way of being.  It is not just about giving up concrete things like a relationship or job, it can be about giving up the way you act in a relationship or the way you handle anger.  When people are asking this kind of question, to do what is logical/familiar/safe or to take a risk, it is usually because there is a level of discontent (at best), but underneath that, I suspect there is a deeper part of them that knows they need to take a leap.  **I should put it out there that someone who is often avoidant and has a pattern of running away might an exception to this. 

I also hear about and witness people having powerful experiences as a result of taking the leap.  I know of many stories where people have left a job without any prospects because they were so unhappy.  They chose their happiness over security and, just in time, when they were going to run out of money, another, better opportunity was presented.  It is not just their happiness that they chose, it was the inner wisdom that was coming through being miserable that they chose to honor.  That internal feedback is so important.  Sometimes that feedback comes in the form of unpleasant emotion because pain or discomfort is a powerful motivator.  This week, I want to share a section of David Richo’s book where he illustrates this very concept:

“A dramatic example of this occurs in the Odyssey when Ulysses, after leaving the island of Calypso, is shipwrecked.  He has lost his crew and his fleet and is alone in the sea holding onto a single plank.  Hope seems lost when suddenly Leucothea, a sea goddess, appears and tells him that the only way to survive is to let go.  His logical mind tells him that the tried-and-true method of maintaining flotation is holding onto the plank.  Yet his intuition, represented by the goddess, tells him to let go and thus invent a new and bold response to a here and now crisis.  He chooses (as he does throughout the Odyssey) to listen to the female part of himself and to trust audacious intuition.  He lets go of the plank and more: his garments.  He treads water without physical supports.  Then the goddess gives him a magical push that propels him effortlessly to his next destination.  Notice two features of the story are significant: Ulysses had just left the arms of Calypso, rejecting her offer of divinity and preferring to return to his wife, Penelope.  He chose not to be allured by the temptation of a quick and easy advance in consciousness but rather to continue his journey home gradually.  This was the first choice he made that prepared him for the miraculous rescue to follow.  His second preparation for empowerment was his hopelessness.  No intuitions came to him while he was safe at sea.  Marvels occur when there is room for them” (p. 200).

I especially love the last part: ‘no intuitions came to him while he was safe at sea’.  In the moment where we are uncomfortable because we are dissatisfied with what is happening, we forget that the pain (feeling hopeless, unsatisfied, miserable) is simply information.  We don’t need to take it super personal.  Feel it, it is real.  But no need to make it dramatic.  Sometimes I see my clients in the midst of this kind of process where their hopelessness is building and I want to ease their discomfort, but, in fact, the discomfort is an important part of the process and if I took it away, it wouldn’t be able to do the work it is there to do.  My hope is that in sharing this story, that it might catch you at that very moment where you are getting information about needing to take a leap or needing to let go so there is room for the miraculous so that this can be a gentle reminder to let the process unfold.  Let go, it is OK.  The new way, the next steps will appear.  And, they will probably be even more awesome than what you were designing in your mind or what you were living before.

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

10 Ways to Grow Toward Effortless Living

In this section of the book, David Richo talks explicitly about spiritual receptivity.  To me, this is the apex of When Love Meets Fear.  He says that assertiveness is “will as will power” and spiritual receptiveness “empowerment as willingness to accept the givens of existence and act in accord with one’s personal experience as it unfolds” (p. 197).  Yes, it means being in reality with the simple truths of existence (see my post about this here), being in tune with what is occurring inside you and being able to operate in the world based on those two important pieces of information. 

He calls spiritual receptivity a “skill of nondoing” (p. 197).  I think that is part of what makes it such a challenge, especially in our culture.  Effort and will are so highly valued, but what happens is that favoring effort and will brings us further under the illusion that we are in full control.  The plain truth is that we are not.  At the very least (if you don’t believe in any kind of universal force), there are other people, there is weather, there are circumstances. So, can we let go of control a little to make space for living easier?  How?  

David Richo talks about ten areas where you can let go and create space for larger forces to do their work, working with the flow rather than against it.  These are ways you can build your receptivity.  I am going to include David Richo’s words in bold and then write about what I believe he means in each of these areas. 

1. Letting go of limiting, rigid roles.  Can you let go of operating only inside the roles you have assumed in your life?  If you can let yourself dream of what you really want to do or where you want to be, where do you stop yourself?  If you are a mom, but you want to sail around the world, do you stop yourself there, saying your kids have to be in school?  You don’t have to.  There are creative solutions for everything.  Don’t get me wrong, it is very scary to go beyond the conventional limits of those roles!  But it is possible.  Start with just dreaming, letting logic sit on the sideline for a second.  For more guidance on this, read 10 Elements of Heart Led Decision Making.
2. Letting go of the belief that I am entitled to be taken care of.  Well, remember one of the givens of existence?  We are ultimately alone.  Yes, it is completely up to us as adults to manage our own feelings, meet needs and create what we want in this life.  Can you let go of needing someone else to fix or save you?  Can you fully own taking care of yourself?  That doesn’t mean that you don’t let love in or allow collaboration, it means you take responsibility for your life and your experience, even when it is hard.
3. Letting go of attachment to outcomes so that balance occurs between making things happen (effort) and allowing things to happen (effortlessness):  To me, the most important thing here is about attachment to outcome.  When we have a vision of how things will be or set a goal, it is easy to develop an attachment to that.  Can you set your intention, shoot for something and even take action steps, then let it turn out as it turns out?  It’s like when I’m making art and I want to re-create exactly what I have in my head and then get disappointed that I can’t make it that way.  My art is always so much better when I start with nothing in my mind or when I start with something, but see it only as a jumping off point.  Whatever I create is perfect, if I can allow it to unfold. 
4. Letting go of the fear that others may know who we are or what our agenda is:  I have to tell you something.  People know and feel you and your agenda on some level anyway, even if it is not conscious.  So, if you can be congruent (what is on the inside is the same as what is on the outside), no matter who you are and what your agenda is, that feels good to people.  It resonates with them. Save yourself the energy of hiding and practice authenticity.  You’ll be happier and people will enjoy you more.
5. Letting go of the need to be right or in control, be hard on ourselves and others:  Honestly, when I think about it, it is a little exhausting to need to be right all the time.  I find that when I am needing to be right, I am tense, even in my body.  Needing to control or be right actually goes against the realities of being human:  we are flawed and there are forces bigger than us.  Being hard on ourselves and others (beyond just encouraging and motivating in a healthy way) is also fighting with reality.  You are where you are.  If you can embrace that, you will conserve energy that is wasted on fighting against reality.  That way, you have more energy to move forward, improve, ect.
6. Letting go of old resentments, blame, grudges, and desire for vengeance:  Each person in your life, including you, is where they are for a reason.  That means physically, but also on an emotional or spiritual level.  You might be hurt, disappointed or angry at where that person is or has been in relation to you, which is totally valid and real.  However, they are on their journey.  They have to exist in this world, on their mission, even if it is veiled to them or others, just like you do.  I might really be annoyed by the fact that the person in front of me is going slow in the car when I am in a hurry, but they are old and they are scared or trying to be careful.  One day I will be too.  Can I just respect that we are in different places, neither one wrong?
7. Letting go of an “either…or” attitude:  Life is full of paradox.  Think of a bride on her wedding day.  She is both scared AND excited.  Does one cancel out the other?  Wouldn’t it be weird if she didn’t feel both ways?  When you find yourself saying or thinking, “it has to be this or that”, look for where there is room for AND.
8. Letting go of the need to cover up our feelings or to flee our upheavals instead of cooperating with them so new vistas appear: Yup, you know the only way to the other side is through.  I understand the automatic reaction to avoid pain.  It happens to me.  Then can we catch ourselves in the avoidance, come back to the pain or upheaval and breathe through it?  What I find interesting is that every time I do this or witness a client or friend doing this, there is so much information on the road THROUGH it.  I find out about myself or what direction I need to go.  All that rich information would be lost and the pain lasts longer when we try to avoid and go around.  Read more about how to do this here.
9. Letting go of disowning the parts of ourselves that scare, shame or excite us:  This is similar to #8.  It seems like trying to move away from those parts (at least the ones that cause shame or fear) is a good idea, but actually, those parts are important.  If we can face them, we can integrate them and assign the energy that was used to avoid them to more productive projects.  Read more about this here.  If we are trying to push away what excites us, think of the lively energy being suffocated.  That excitement is divine guidance.  In action, this looks like taking time to explore, face, be curious about the parts of you that you try to push away.  You can do this through art, writing about it, talking through it with someone you trust or through breathing with it when those parts show up and just letting them be so you can get to know them.
10. Letting go of the fear of intimacy, aloneness, change, loss and of our own potential:  All of these things exist in this human life.  All.  And, it is normal to be afraid of some of them.  Know your fear, be aware when it is showing up.  You have a program to deal with it.  Breathe, stay with it one second longer than you can.  If you want to know more, you can read my posts about fears of intimacy, aloneness and loss. 

I know this is a lot to think about. In this list, there are probably areas where you feel like you have let go (feel good about yourself, celebrate that!) and there are others where you need work.  Just pick the most important one that you see might be holding you back or causing you discomfort and work on it.  Then you can come back and pick another one.  By building your spiritual receptivity, you are allowing space for a more powerful presence to come in than just a controlling ego.  It makes space for the divine in your life, for love and for living at ease.

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

My Mission

In this section of the book, David Richo talks about the processes of transformation that occur through learning Assertiveness and Spiritual Receptivity.  He describes them both as programs for the inevitable human experience of fear, however, Spiritual Receptivity is “handling fear with higher consciousness” (p. 195). 

As a reminder, assertiveness “progresses from clarity to asking for what we want to taking responsibility for ourselves” (p. 195).  That means starting with learning self-awareness and being clear about your internal experience.  Next, it means being in communication and processing what is occurring with people in your life so that you are fully engaged in a feedback loop of your internal experiences and theirs in order to create a full relationship that is inhabited by both human beings (i.e. not just having the whole relationship/interaction occur in your own mind/heart through assumptions and withholding).  Finally, it means being responsible for your feelings and experiences, resolving feelings and being aware of as well as allowing the experiences of others.  For more about this, see my post Own Your Power. Be Assertive.

These are very essential human skills that help us be successful in our relationships and limit drama.  These are steps that are the majority of my work as a therapist because most people are not taught these skills in the process of growing up.  For whatever reason, in our culture, we tend to operate in the dark about the human emotional system.  That would be like knowing nothing about nutrition and exercise so just sitting around eating cookies and cupcakes, then wondering why we have health problems and don’t like the way we look/feel.  Well, when we don’t know how to work with our natural system of emotion, people end up having trouble in relationships of all kinds and feel unhappy with how things look and feel in their life. 

I saw a family several years ago where the mother had been in therapy.  One day during session, I was talking with the mother and her four year old turned to her and said “I feel sad, Mommy. Can you hold me so I can cry?” The mother held her in her arms and the little girl cried for a minute, then she was done, got up and went to go play with some toys on the ground.  I was blown away.  How beautiful that this little girl had been taught to be aware of her feelings, knew how to move through them and was able to ask for that from her mother.  And, her mother was completely supportive.  There was no drama, no judgment and no big deal.   Yes, this is what we all need to know.  Then we can move past the tangled web that comes from blindly dealing with the human emotional system and move toward a much more fulfilling expedition that we are all driven toward, often without knowing it: Spiritual Receptivity.

The process of building Spiritual Receptivity is “moving from self-awareness to letting go to self-transcendence and compassion” (p. 195).  In the beginning of this process, my interpretation is that you become aware of who you really are.  You experientially realize that you are actually really connected to everyone and everything even though your body is separate.  This shift is transformational.  It creates space for the letting go to occur, where there is much less attachment and drama because there is an awareness that existence is so much more profound than the little things right in front of you.  I understand this letting go as being like looking at the ocean and realizing that there is so much more beyond what we are immediately aware of like things on our to do list or how that person is on the phone in their car and not paying attention.  Another time I notice this is when I stand in front of something really big, like the red rocks in Sedona or the beautiful faces of Yosemite.  In that moment, I am humbled and all the small, close up stuff just lets go.  Finally, I understand the step of self-transcendence and compassion to be accepting that everything inside and outside is exactly as it should be.  David Richo says:  “As we open, we become aware of how much truth is accessible to us by effortlessly tuning in on what is” (p. 196).  Yes, the more truth we are aware of, the easier this whole business of living is.  You become aware of the fact that things just are as they are and everything is OK.  There is no need to control anything.  Neurotic fear has no place.  You might still react to things with fear, but all you need is a simple reminder that there is nothing to fear.  Fear is what causes a lot of pain and interrupts love. So, if fear has no place, then what’s there?  Love. 

At least today, this is my understanding.  I bet that the more I read this section and the more my own journey unfolds, I will understand this with more depth.

As a therapist, I have worked a lot with people on being assertive, the “doing” part of handling fear and their humanness.  But, I have to tell you, my mission is so much bigger.  My mission is to work with people in such a way that they can move beyond the preoccupation with the pain or suffering that comes with being human by helping them learn to manage the human emotional system.  The goal is accepting and being at ease with this system in order to go across the bridge of awakening to who they really are and being able to feel the tremendous joy and power of handling fear with a higher consciousness where there is a lot more room for love.  By living this as best I can in my own life and dedicating my work as a therapist to this mission, I can spread light one person at a time.  Each one of those people illuminates the people around them and loving transformation spreads.  I bet this is a version of David Richo’s mission.  He inspired me to write this whole series without even knowing and his work helped me get clear about what I am up to in this life.