Gateway To Grace

“We ask less. ‘What is my goal?’ and more, ‘What is my destiny?’ (p. 194).

For the last several weeks, I have been posting about what David Richo says about our power and being assertive.  I love how he designs the flow of When Love Meets Fear because topics build so beautifully.  This week, I want to talk about what he is saying about the other side of being assertive, which is allowing.

There are a lot of beliefs and dialogue in our society about having goals and making things happen, which is a real and true power of our humanity.  There is a lot of reinforcement and reward for people who “get things done” and work really hard to achieve their goals.  This is fantastic.  However, focus on just achieving goals and asserting our human power of thoughts and will is only half of the game.  There are forces at play that are a lot larger than we are. 

David Richo begins talking about allowing as “spiritual receptiveness” and describes it as the place “where happening completes doing.  It is the other side of the assertive style that uses new awarenesses as the means for reaching goals” (p. 193).  In my estimation, the idea is that our lives are a co-creation.  It is important to have a direction and motivation for what we want to do and where we want to go in our lives.  It is important for us to get the ball rolling.  AND, we need to cultivate our receptivity and awareness of the forces around us that are guides.  This is where we create space for synchronicity to occur, for our heart's desire to present itself and for things to align around us to support our life’s path in ways that are more elaborate and perfect than we could ever consciously conceive.

David Richo talks about one of the ways of cultivating our receptivity is to allow ourselves to “be present to whatever may surprise [us] next” (p. 193).  It means that we open up our vision, senses and awareness to receive information that will guide us toward what there is for us to do or be in this life.  It means not becoming blindly focused on forcing something to happen just because you may have decided at some point in time that you wanted that (maybe even arbitrarily, in response to fear or in response to what seem like dictating, outside forces).  It means tuning in to all the information and power available to you, some that is beyond your control and, most likely, wiser than just your human or ego consciousness.  The information can come through dreams, sensations in your body, through repeating images or waves of feeling in response to the outside world or synchronistic events.  Our job is start by having intentions and interests, to be receptive to guiding information, then to act on that guidance.  That is the co-creation that utilizes the power available to us in this life time in order to live in alignment, be at ease, appreciate the beauty of this existence and grow as much as we can. 

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

Take Responsibility.

In this short section of the book, David Richo mentions two very important items about taking responsibility.  Taking responsibility seems heavy to some people, but, really I believe being responsible means actually just owning your power. 

First, he says:  “we were handed those scripts, yet we can operate ‘with our eyes open’.  There are percentages in responsibility, but the largest percentage now is with us as adults” (p. 191).  Yes, knowing about experiences you had in your childhood is very important, but not for the purpose of assigning blame.  It is important because that is the starting point for seeing how it is impacting your current life.  Knowing about the impact means you can have a choice in how you shape your life.  Otherwise, that past is just an unseen force beyond your control weaving the fabric of your life.  Don’t just stop at “my parents did awful things and it is their fault I am like this”.  Realize this is the deck of cards you were handed, you figured out how to make it work as a child and now it is your call about how you are going to play them. 

Also, consider this: because we are beautifully adaptive human beings and our psyches will come up with elegant survival mechanisms, in examining the past, there is a chance to see how you survived whatever pain happened and how that survival mechanism might be one of your greatest assets.  It might be what makes you so successful in your career.  Knowing the gift from the pain also helps resolve it.  That helps you own your power, take responsibility for how you live and how you respond to the past instead of just blaming your parents.  Realize where that asset works for you and where it might work against you.  Using the same tool on all jobs doesn’t really make sense, does it?  Being very sensitive to the inner states of another person has made me a good therapist, but it is not the sole and chief skill I should use in personal relationships.  I also need to be sensitive to myself and lovingly communicate what I need/want/think/feel regardless of the other person’s truth.  This is being assertive and segues nicely into the next point.

Here’s the other part I love:  “there are no mistakes or failures in assertiveness while we are practicing these skills…we have not failed but only discovered that we need to begin a step or two lower in the hierarchy of practice” (p. 192).  David Richo equates being assertive with being with the truth and owning our power (see my post Be Assertive.  Own Your Power. ).  I love what he is saying because being with the truth really is a practice.  I know that it is a skill that is not readily taught in our society.  A lot of times, people will tell me that no one wants to hear the truth either.  So, starting with you, you can practice saying what is really true for you and you can practice tolerating what is true for someone else.  No one is responsible for fixing or changing your truth and you are not responsible for fixing or changing someone else’s.  That would be a misallocation of resources.  Being assertive is scary at first (you might have to panic a little and breathe before you push “send” to tell someone something!).  You might not be good at it and accidentally be way too harsh as you start.  People may hate this change because you are starting to operate outside of that silent contract you share to sweep things under the rug or enable bad habits.  That’s all OK.  Like David Richo says, it is not a failure, just means you might have to take a step back to gather your skills and keep going.

So, ultimately, the message is be POWERFUL by being responsible for your past and how you are living because of it today.  And, be responsible for your current experience by being assertiveThat means tuning into your truth and sharing it when appropriate.  One of my best friends always takes me through a four part criteria for when it is appropriate to share the truth (I'll have to ask her again about the source):

1. Is it timely? (Are you sharing it at the right time for the person to be able to take in what you have to say?)
2. Is it helpful?
3. Is it true?  (Is it simply your feelings or opinion?  That’s OK, just make sure to preface your words with “I feel” or “I think....”  It is not helpful to share something as if it is a universal truth when it is not a fact.  If it is a fact, then it is a fact.)
4. Is it kind/loving?  (Are you sharing the truth with someone because you are loving them even though it is a hard truth to share?)

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

10 Elements of Heart Led Decision Making

Sometimes it seems like David Richo’s book is alive…whatever I am going to write about matches conversations and thoughts that have been coming up in my work and life.  In this section, David Richo is not exactly saying these elements are about heart led decision making, he calls it a “list of healthy discernment criteria” (p. 189).  The way I see it, he is talking about being able to make decisions in a way that honors the full spectrum of our human capabilities and aligning with the forces that are at play around us.  I’m loving what he says...

1. As human beings, we are able to know without confusion.  I believe that confusion comes from getting in our own way.  As David Richo says, sometimes confusion comes from “moods, whims, fears, addictions, logic or coercion” (p. 189).  All the truth we need to know in this life comes from inside us.  These forces listed by David Richo are forces that may obscure the clarity of our truth, which is why it is important to sharpen our interior awareness and build the skills to be still and listen.  If you are feeling confused, it is time to write about it, talk through it with someone who is willing to listen without adding their two cents or to sit in meditation to still the noise of all the forces so you can see the truth that is definitely held inside you.
2. Whatever it is that you want to do is something you have consistently wanted to do.  It is not a passing excitement or a reaction to pain.  It is something that is calling your attention daily for a period of time.  My parents instilled this in us.  Being four children, we had to share rooms growing up and we would want to change rooms because we would get mad at each other or feeling particularly close to one another.  Each time we came to them requesting to change rooms, they would say, “As long as you feel that way 30 days from now, you guys can make the change”. 
3. You are talking about what you want to do with significant people.  This means you are talking with people who will be touched by your decision, but also that you are looking around for people who have gone before you on the path you want to travel.  Of course, you might not find a person who has done exactly what you want to do, but you want to be looking at people who approximate this.  Finally, it is helpful to talk with others who are simply good mirrors, not giving their opinion, but able to clearly see and reflect back what you are saying and feeling so that you can see as much of yourself in the decision as you can.  We are complex as human beings and can feel lots of ways about important decisions.  We don’t always consciously perceive all that we know and feel about a situation. 
4. “Vocation happens where bliss meets talent” (p. 190).  Yes, David Richo is talking about the important aspect of being able to have the skills to execute what you want to do.  If that is making a career move, it doesn’t mean you have to know everything about the new field, but, instead, do you have the passion, follow through and openness to get the training you need for the transition?  If you want to get married to your partner, do you have the skills to sustain a healthy relationship and commitment?
5. You are committed to the goal enough to weather the inevitable storm of challenges that you will face as you do what you want to do.  Realize that the going is going to get tough, whether that is internally (fear, doubt) or externally (circumstances are challenging).  So are you willing to wade through those?
6. Right action.  What you want to do is sound morally and ethically.  “It is based on love and self-esteem, not on aggression, ego or self-depreciation” (p. 190).
7. Doubt.  This seems like a peculiar element, but I love that David Richo included it.  It’s true, there is something missing when we think we know something 100%.  That means there is no openness to any other possibility, any discovery or any creativity.  Healthy doubt leaves the window open a little in a room for the air to circulate and stay fresh.
8. “You have been noticing an inner confirmation of your choice through dreams, intuitions and synchronicities (meaningful coincidence)” (p. 190).  That’s just simple and clear, I can’t really add to it.  So I’ll leave it at that!
9. “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen” –Ralph Waldo Emerson.  David Richo talks about the fact that making a decision that is right for you usually results in things around you aligning to support that decision.  All of the sudden, someone mentions a program that exactly suits your needs in transitioning to your new career or a business partner shows up that is looking for someone with your exact skills.  The things that happen to support your decision are things that occur beyond what you could consciously design.  David Richo says:  “This is the wind-horse again, the successful interplay of effort and grace, of steps followed by shifts” (p. 190). 
10. You can sense the rightness of your choice inside.  It is looking around or doing something and feeling deeply “I am in the right place” or “I am doing the right thing”.  In my experience, this is usually a knowing that defies or goes beyond logic. 

In our lifetime, we are faced with big decisions that scare us because they have potential for tremendous impact.  These decisions need to be made because our light, love and life are hanging in the balance.  These are the best criteria I have come across to help guide us through decisions we need to make to live FULLY. 

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".  

Own Your Power. Be Assertive.

So, the last couple weeks, we talked about being passive and aggressive.  In a way, being passive or aggressive is about giving your power away, misusing power or taking someone else’s away.  This week, I want to talk about what David Richo says about being assertive.  The way I am understanding it, being assertive means landing on and accessing your own power because you are operating within the only realm you really can have control or make a difference: within yourself.  Being assertive means being totally accountable for yourself, your experience and how you impact others.  David Richo breaks down being assertive into three basic elements: clarity, asking for what you want and taking responsibility.  This section of the book is so powerful, I think you just need to read it.  What I will do is just pick out some important points that will be helpful to elaborate.

Clarity:

In all the examples of being clear that David Richo sets out, I believe he is really talking about being clear with others about how you feel, who you are and your intentions AND being clear within yourself about how you feel and what you need.  For example, he points out that being guarded and defensive doesn’t work in the long run because the truth about how you feel or who you are will be shown eventually, either directly or indirectly.  If you think about it, this links to being clear within yourself about how you feel since it would be pretty hard to share your interior world with others if you don’t have a clue about what is going on in there.  He says to use your body as an “echo chamber”.  Realize how your body responds to people and situations, to food or environments.  The body is giving us feedback all the time, all there is to do is tune in to that channel.  David Richo says: “An assertive person does what feels good all over.  He never responds to some driving message in his mind when his body is telling him that is not the thing to do” (p. 170).  Yes, the idea is to listen to what is happening inside, honor that and communicate that with other people clearly and in a loving way.

Asking for what you want

David Richo encourages the assertive person to ask someone what they really mean or feel instead of wondering or trying to guess.  This comes up a lot in conversations with my clients and in social conversations.  I notice that people, including myself, will spend a considerable amount of time or effort wondering about why someone else is being a certain way.  It is totally unnecessary if we have the tools of being assertive.  Yes, it can be awkward and scary.  But we have a voice and can simply ask that person.  David Richo says “a willingness to be embarrassed and awkward is a prerequisite for change” (p. 171). 

Also, being assertive means listening to what goes on inside and acknowledging out loud when something is misaligned.  For example, an assertive person would discuss their intuition with their partner that something is up rather than asking friends what they think is going on or searching through their partners’ phone.  If you think something is going on and your partner denies it, can you still come back with “OK, I still have this gut feeling and it doesn’t seem to be explained by what you are telling me”.  The truth always comes to light, it is simply a matter of time.  Of course, if you are someone that has been betrayed in the past or your fears tend to surface in the form of being suspicious of your partner, it is important to look at that and not simply say that it is your intuition.  And, I do admit, sometimes it is hard to distinguish between fears and real intuition because they are both powerful feelings.

Taking Responsibility:

David Richo includes not only sharing yourself in being assertive, but accepting what other people share of themselves.  If someone has a complaint, an assertive person listens wholly to that message and really considers what it is like for that person.  An assertive person supports and creates space for the assertions of others. 

Finally, being assertive means we can respond to how someone is impacting us as well as their intention.  I have a good example that happened today.  I was working while I was waiting for my car to be serviced and this man was talking loudly on his cell phone.  The conversation was interrupting my ability to concentrate.  I got up after several minutes and said “Excuse me, do you mind talking on the phone outside?  I’m trying to work and it is hard to concentrate”.  I did not get angry with him and I also did not allow this to continue and ignore my experience just because I understood his intentions were not malicious.  So, we can acknowledge where someone is coming from, but it doesn’t mean we just have to tolerate it.  We can let someone know how it is impacting us.  In this way, we are being accountable for how we feel.  David Richo says:  “every negative feeling that is in us will turn into something beautiful when we acknowledge it and accept it” (p. 174).  Yes, because it releases what is inside, working with (rather than against) the natural flow that characterizes the emotional regulation system we are programmed with as human beings. 

*This post is written in response to a section in David Richo's book "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-Less and Resource-Full".